I hated school, not all of it and not every day but for the most part I found the social construct difficult to navigate and the lessons un-engaging.
As far back as I can remember I would drift of in lessons, finding over things to concentrate on, like outside the window or even the movements my hands make, or trying to talk to others that were working. I would do anything but what we were supposed to be doing, unless it was P.E or art.
I remember my mother being outraged that I was given simple 'baby' books when I could read perfectly well, the teacher explained "she can read yes, but she doesn't understand what she is reading." a) How on earth she knew what I was thinking I have no idea, and b) I could understand I just had no desire to read out loud. Due to fear of getting my words muddled and the fact I had no interest in the context or explaining the context to the teacher, who had read the book and therefore doesn't need it explained, right? I was just waiting for break time so I could play football (girls games were boring).
They just dismissed me as a dim child and let me fall behind because as I understood it, with my 11 year old brain, I wasn't disturbing anyone if I day dreamed. So therefore wasn't a disruption to their teachings. One thing I remember clearly was that in year 6 the 'smarter' kids got extra maths and English lessons while the rest of us did art (???). Personally I reckon it was to boost their SAT scores up, no help to the rest of us though.
Secondary school I found a lot more engaging but still just as difficult. I had a horrible fear of being singled out for a question, because odds were I didn't know the answer or wasn't listening anyway. Even when I did listen and couldn't understand I never asked for it to be explained, it would make me look stupid, and the reply was usually "well you should have been listening", I was! still don't understand though...
Basically between struggling keeping friends, struggling in class and struggling to concentrate I just thought I wasn't cut out for education.
I did TV and Film production at College, I realised I learned a lot better when I worked hands-on and when I found something that actually interested me. I decided after that, that I really wanted to leave the North East and make my own way, can't remember why I decided to go to university to be honest. It's not like it was expected of me and no one in my immediate family had gone before me.
Within my first year alone I felt as though I transcended from 'vocational' to 'academic'. Not that I had suddenly gained loads of knowledge but I started to find things I actually enjoyed learning about. I started to make friends with intelligent people who respected real knowledge over fake attributes.
I learned that not everything I grew up thinking as certain, actually was just a perspective or wasn't true at all, and I thought "well if this isn't true I wonder what else isn't". That's when my beliefs started to hold a lot less weight, this opened me up to a world of intellectual and spiritual knowledge.
How corny is it to say you 'found yourself' at university. well I did, thanks to my other half and my friends, who have made me who I am today. I feel as though before that time I was sleepwalking through life and now the vial has been lifted an I can no longer look back. I am deeper now, less shallow and more understanding. My English is still poor but I make a conscious effort to try and correct myself now, so apologies (if anyone reads this) for my spelling and grammar, I am trying.
I now look forward to a life long discovery of constantly learning.
